5 steps forward, 10 steps back!!

Why?!!! Why is this happening?! I can’t believe it. For those of you who don’t know, my partner has been to jail, well he’s been out for 11 months and now he’s gone again. He never come home, today was my first visit it had been 9 days since I seen him leave the house, kiss me good bye, tell me he loves me and never come home. It’s so heart breaking.

Does anyone else feel like as soon as life is going well, something HAS to fuck right up, it happens to me every time. But I guess sadly I am used to it, so we will all get through it, again. It brings back all the emotions that come along with the last time and how exhausting and draining it was. It costs so much money. I used to visit twice a week every single week, it was so exhausting. 3 months was on box visits, it is so hard to keep on keeping on when your other half is away.

So, every time life is going so well something always without a doubt fucks it up every time. I don’t understand why? I don’t understand what I have done in this lifetime for me to deserve everything I have been through and continually go through. I literally try so hard to keep everyone in my life happy but no matter what, I can’t. If it’s not one thing it’s another, and if there is nothing well… hold your horses because let me tell you something is waiting to happen to bring my world down.

I haven’t been able to sleep properly since he’s been gone and I’ve never realised like I do today how much I love him and I really hope something good comes for us both one day soon, we have worked so hard to turn our lives around. Especially my partner, he has changed and grown so much in the last few months this is just shattering. But I know in the end if we both just keep strong it will be ok. My daughter isn’t taking it easy it’s so confusing for her, I hate that, my partner hates it so much it hurts so much for me to watch them both go through this as well.

Back to my point! 5 steps forward 10 steps back, like they say. Well I’m about to leap 20 steps forward and break the cycle I’m finding this easier this time to not go back to old ways and let things drag me down. I’m going to keep going to work, keep looking after my daughter and pop, keep the house hold down, and make sure I am there for my partner… If this was 5 years ago I would have quit my job and then thought it was the end of the world and thrown my whole life away. Realising the world doesn’t owe me anything and I have to work for what I want has been the most awakening experience, I literally don’t know what made me think the way I used to or why I did any of the things I did. I am not that person, it’s crazy what drugs can do.

I do hope if anyone has an addiction problem, just know, you can fight it.. it is possible to have a normal life.. your not too far gone!! You can’t wait for help, YOU HAVE TO WANT IT AND YOU WILL DO IT. Years and years of drug abuse and I woke up one day and decided myself, no and I done it. It is possible.

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