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So today I have posted 2 drafts for my blog that I had written months ago, I thought “fuck it, I’m here to be real so there is no use not posting things”

My life is a literal mess right now. In the last few weeks I have failed at work, I am no longer working there, I have my grandfather (the one I live with and care for) in hospital having multiple strokes, my I’ve spent 12 hours+ travelling on trains to Bathurst jail to see my partner, we still don’t know when he is coming home, I’ve been so lazy, my bunny’s died (I’ve now got 2 new ones) it’s actually been non-fucking-stop. And as I’ve spoken about before in another post, this is what I mean, when it never ends there is always something going on to fuck my shit up, i 100% think sometimes the universe is against me and doing good and being happy, no matter what something manages to fuck my shit up. On top of that I haven’t heard from my partner since lunch time yesterday and I’m starting to get worried, not that anything has happened to him it is just very unusual to not hear from him for this long it’s quite frustrating not being able to be the one to contact them.

Anyway, on a side note: I have to clean my house which feels like no matter how much I clean it just never goes away, then go to the hospital, have someone come and move our car off of the road, clean some more and my daughter is off school vomiting her guts up. Love it. Never! Fucking! Ends!

On the plus side I’m going on my first cruise over Xmas time with my family and I’ve never felt more excited to be honest to get away on a holiday with my daughter and have a break from all of this crap, but I can garuntee something fucks it up and I don’t get to go haha. One of those days, or years.. or life times for me hahaha.

Back again..

So one thing I should probably let everyone know now. I plan things out but my life seems to constantly revolve around everyone else, you wouldn’t believe it but this is the first time since opening my blog that I have been able to sit down and even write. It’s been non fucking stop! It never ends…

One thing I just don’t comprehend about my life is, how the god damn hell does this happen to me! All I want is some peace and time to myself and it never bloody happens, it’s like as soon as I think I’m going to get it, I fall asleep or someone shows up on my door or someone is calling me. I feel like it never ends.

I began this at a really low time and thought it would be a great way to heal, and maybe work out some things from my past as I’m sharing and hopefully realise a lot more about myself then I am currently acknowledging because it just sucks it feels like I’m lost. My life has once again totally flipped around and somehow it seems to good to be true. It’s changed so much I question everyone, everything and now myself. How have I ended up back in this predicament? Is this it? Is this going to be the last time? And then I’m asking myself how fucking dumb could you be darls?! Why are you falling for it again? Why are you putting up with it you look like a fool….. yes! I’m back with my lover. Strange thing us girls. We can somehow unconditionally love these fucked up humans who repetitively fuck you over. But. These fucked up men seem to think it’s okay to hurt us and then when we want to let go they decide to grow up. Well. This time I AM STUCK!! What the hell! How can I be so silly to let him back after everything (I will get to that later), how could I possibly ever trust this man again, how do I fight my heart for the last time? All questions I am constantly asking. I have given my all, what more can I give? I am now giving my soul, it’s exhausting every day trying to believe, trying to want to make it work, trying to make myself comfortable again because I can see it this time.. I see hes truth, it just feels to late.. I hate that I feel like I’m living every day waiting for something to happen and feeling stuck but I also hate that I love him so much I could never give up on him. It’s just exhausting!

The last 3 months have been the craziest of them all, it’s been extremely high highs and low lows. It sucks, I know there are so many other people out there dealing with similar situations and feelings. It’s the worst thing not knowing, I feel like it’s a fear. Not knowing someone else’s truth!! Everyone’s truths are different, it’s the weirdest thing. There is never one side and one story.

The past

The past always seems to come creeping up no matter what. I had a rough day. I went to court late, to see the girl my partner was sleeping with whilst we were split up, of course I lost the plot (I can’t help myself. It’s a serious issue!) I missed my partners court case and then went to work, which I feel like I’m failing at some days, and then come home cook dinner and sat on Facebook.. where I started looking at archived conversations on my partners account from when we were apart and now I’m sitting here sobbing. I done it to myself.

I’m trying more then hard enough to move on and be a better person and days like this just feel like I’m back at square one even though we have both come such a long way. I feel like we just need a fresh start, I really hope when he finally comes home it will be a fresh start for us both. We both deserve it, and we love each other so much, we deserve to be happy together!

5 steps forward, 10 steps back!!

Why?!!! Why is this happening?! I can’t believe it. For those of you who don’t know, my partner has been to jail, well he’s been out for 11 months and now he’s gone again. He never come home, today was my first visit it had been 9 days since I seen him leave the house, kiss me good bye, tell me he loves me and never come home. It’s so heart breaking.

Does anyone else feel like as soon as life is going well, something HAS to fuck right up, it happens to me every time. But I guess sadly I am used to it, so we will all get through it, again. It brings back all the emotions that come along with the last time and how exhausting and draining it was. It costs so much money. I used to visit twice a week every single week, it was so exhausting. 3 months was on box visits, it is so hard to keep on keeping on when your other half is away.

So, every time life is going so well something always without a doubt fucks it up every time. I don’t understand why? I don’t understand what I have done in this lifetime for me to deserve everything I have been through and continually go through. I literally try so hard to keep everyone in my life happy but no matter what, I can’t. If it’s not one thing it’s another, and if there is nothing well… hold your horses because let me tell you something is waiting to happen to bring my world down.

I haven’t been able to sleep properly since he’s been gone and I’ve never realised like I do today how much I love him and I really hope something good comes for us both one day soon, we have worked so hard to turn our lives around. Especially my partner, he has changed and grown so much in the last few months this is just shattering. But I know in the end if we both just keep strong it will be ok. My daughter isn’t taking it easy it’s so confusing for her, I hate that, my partner hates it so much it hurts so much for me to watch them both go through this as well.

Back to my point! 5 steps forward 10 steps back, like they say. Well I’m about to leap 20 steps forward and break the cycle I’m finding this easier this time to not go back to old ways and let things drag me down. I’m going to keep going to work, keep looking after my daughter and pop, keep the house hold down, and make sure I am there for my partner… If this was 5 years ago I would have quit my job and then thought it was the end of the world and thrown my whole life away. Realising the world doesn’t owe me anything and I have to work for what I want has been the most awakening experience, I literally don’t know what made me think the way I used to or why I did any of the things I did. I am not that person, it’s crazy what drugs can do.

I do hope if anyone has an addiction problem, just know, you can fight it.. it is possible to have a normal life.. your not too far gone!! You can’t wait for help, YOU HAVE TO WANT IT AND YOU WILL DO IT. Years and years of drug abuse and I woke up one day and decided myself, no and I done it. It is possible.

So.. Why now?!

I guess if anyone ever reads these things they will end up wondering why now, after all of this would I begin to write a blog? Well I’ve ran out of options.. I need something.. I need some kind of escape, some way to get out of my head! And my friends and I have always talked about how the experiences in my life would probably make some kind of great read haha.

I’m not exactly going to start from the beginning, I’m kind of just going with the flow for a while and seeing where this takes me.

So I guess I will start with a brief introduction for those of you reading that have no idea. I’m a mum to a 6 year old girl, she’s amazing! The apple of my eye 🍎 although it hasn’t really been easy for us, we are definitely in a better place then we were. I live in the Wollongong area, which is great (at times) but I guess everywhere is the same, yeah? There is good and bad parts to everything. I live with and care for my almost 80 year old grandfather, so challenging sometimes.. I am also in a relationship of over 3 years with a man I love very much!

Other frequent topics will probably be sex, drugs and violence as they have played a sickeningly copious role in my life so far..

So! There is one thing I’m hoping to get out there even if it just reaches one person, I have a lot of experience behind me in making shit life decisions – lets be honest – hopefully my ‘story’ could potentially help someone!

So that’s a bit about the sitcho, but I will get into details and other things about them later on.

On a starting note 📝

I lay here realising the longer I lay here, the more I am refusing to get up, I have so much to do before I start work, dishes, washing, vacuuming, shower haha the list goes on and on.

I’ve been up and for a run already and let me tell you, it feels so much better to do things that make you feel good even if they are hard. Much better then doing drugs! I promise.

Grow through what you go through 🌻

So as you would know if you have read my previous blogs, I was searching day and night for a job. Well for the first time in my life I worked so hard and got what I set out for!! I got a job!!!! Thank god haha

It’s so crazy how life works and every day things can become so different to the day before let alone a week or year before. It would have never crossed my mind 5 years ago that tomorrow I would be waking up and going to work, laying in bed, watching Netflix, drinking my tea and getting ready to go to sleep for work tomorrow. God I am actually proud of myself. I never thought I would truly get out of the ditch I was in, I thought I had dug myself a bottomless pit, turns out if you really want something and you put every bit of energy you possibly could you will make it.

Now that I think about it, I’ve done it a few times without even acknowledging it. I have definitely over come some massive obstacles in the last 5 years. I’m so happy to be where I am, and that I am a ‘success story’.

It’s really hard when people around you don’t support you, that’s probably the biggest thing! I have learnt a lot about friendships lately and I am so glad I have the very few close friends I have and I honestly don’t know how they have stuck around through all the bullshit! I’ve done some pretty fucked up shit, lets be honest, I probably don’t deserve them but one thing I have always tried to do is be there, just be there for them as they have for me! And it’s brought us so close. Nothing in life compares to your family and I would call my best friends my family. 100%! So if you have a best friend whether it be 1 or 2 or 10 just hold them tight and let them know how much you appreciate them, because I can assure you they will love to hear it. It will mean a lot.

In saying that I have lost every other friend in my life, which I can’t say is such a bad thing.. I need to be who I want to be, and I believe it’s a lot easier to do better when you are around supportive people who want you to do well for YOURSELF! I’ve realised 99% of the people I have associated with in my life have all been in my life for their own interest and it sucks because I genuinely liked them. But I guess not everyone is who they seem to be. I don’t hear from anyone now that I’m doing good and it sucks because I have reached out, but because I won’t hang out they don’t want to know about it. Which is so sad!!! Because most of them are going through what I’ve been through. Friends are so important, it really sucks when you have no one!

But sometimes you need to go through it to grow through it and I can’t be any more happier with the people I have in my life now.

One door closes

Another opens, isn’t that what they usually say? Haha. I feel like I have a fresh start, it’s like I’ve closed the door on a part of my life and I’ve finally opened the right door 🚪

I decided to get some real, wanted help for my health and finally feel like I’m on a good path. It’s like I woke up one day and was like hey I’m sick of not being the best version of me I can be. I know I have so much to offer and I don’t know why for as long as I can remember thought that I didn’t have to be that person. I never realised how good life can be if you really want it to be, if you really want the best things in life, genuinely. Materialistic things can make you happy for a moment but what happens when that moment ends? It’s like your back down in the mud just dragging along… day by day… I don’t know how I lived like that for so long! It was miserable. The best things in life definitely have to be earned, you have to want it and you have to do the best things for yourself to make that possible. You 100% get what you put out.

I love that I have been non-stop trying to find a new job, and trying to stay healthy and giving up some shitty habits. Pot for starters! I’ve been a long time smoker and I just feel so good, I never realised how good I feel and how much more I can get out of life now it’s just amazing the difference, I never noticed how consuming it is to have that habit before and how much it affects my relationships. Getting mental health under control also has never in my life felt so easy and great! Who would have thought you can just decide in a moment that you deserve more, you deserve to be happy. I believe if I can do it, anyone can! It’s such a big thing to change your life and I wish there was something I could do to help people understand that it can be done, it doesn’t have to be hard if you don’t want it to be. There is so much more to life whether someone has an addiction, mental health, family/relationship problems anything really, you just have to want it, someone will always be there to help if you really really want it.

Nerves always get the best of me… I usually find something to be anxious about in every single situation haha my palms literally sweat thinking about my anxiety! But right now I’ve never wanted it so bad because I know that every decision I’m making is literally bettering every aspect of my life and I couldn’t be more happier. 🦋💕